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[personal profile] lanapanda

I've been up all night. This is not too different from any other night except for the fact that this night was accompanied by a "friend's" phone call around 2am. Normally this is the sort of thing I frown upon, because if I'm up at 2am, I generally do not want to be on the phone talking to anyone. However, this time was something of an emergency as this friend of mind had some fairly unhappy things happen to her just a few days ago. I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone about it, so I'm not going to post exactly what, but still, it's some things that would have me up late at night feeling a bit uncertain too. So she calls and she talks. And I listen. And she talks more, and I listen more. After about two hours of this, with my only giving comments or asking questions when I think they are relevant and supportive, she asks me:

"Are you falling asleep? Do you even care? Why don't you say something?"

After two hours, I felt like it was blindingly obvious I cared, since if I didn't I wouldn't have picked up the damn phone in the first place. So that little tirade of questions hurt my feelings. Probably more than it should but this is the risk when one let's people close. We give them the good knives. So now I get to listen to a tirade about what a horrible friend I am, how I never really pay attention when things are going on, and so forth. She's upset. I understand that. I honestly, sincerely do. But at some point, even when a person is severely upset, distraught, etc. one still has to take into account other people's feelings. At least, that's my opinion. It's a rare thing that my personal problems make me lash out at anyone not directly involved. But then, I'm the quiet sort. When things hurt me or upset me, I withdraw. Not the most original repsonse, probably not the most healthy either, but it's me and it's how I do things. I don't expect other people to do that. I do expect them to show common courtesy, especially to the people they call a "friend."

I don't want to be friends with someone in name only. I want it to matter. I don't mind being the person you call at 2am to bitch to. I do mind being the person you bitch to, then lash out at because I don't have some ready-made solution to your problem and don't feel like giving you a running commentary as a backdrop to your own misery. Maybe that's selfish. I'll freely admit to being biased because of the way I am personally. I'll even take lashing out at the world in general, being bitchy indescriminately, but to focus on the one person you always come to when you're upset, sad, lonely, just want to talk? Bullshit. There, I said it.

And even though I got really angry at this person, I still listened to that bullshit. When she finally hung up, she still hadn't apologized, and yes, that still has me angry just a bit. I don't think she and I are going to be friends anymore after that. I'm pretty sure she'll realize it when I stop talking to her and tell her that I really don't want to spend time doing whatever anymore. I'm also pretty sure that as soon as she does realize she's gone too far and has fucked up one of the few positive relationships she has left, she'll apologize. I'm not sure I'll believe it. What I'm mentally kicking myself over is that I didn't call her on this stupidity right then and there. But I couldn't, because the part of me that is decent and kind said let her have her pointless rant.

Now I guess I'm having mine. Little pathetic that it's at 5:42 in the morning and not to the person who called me in the first place but... oh well. It'll sound petty of me to bring it up later with her, so I won't. I'm also a big believer in people knowing when the fuck up relationship-wise in gigantic proportions. That's probably a mistake, but I expect my close friends to be perceptive enough to know when they've hit a nerve. Especially if they are talking to me at 2am in the morning. On the phone. And can hear my voice.

Bah, forget it.

Just forgive me today if I'm quiet and a little withdrawn, because I'm not going to lash out at any of you over my shitty morning. That's all.

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lanapanda

December 2008

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